for my future plans
To Whomever,
This is being written Saturday morning outside of Sto. Nino somewhere, in a nice little café but right on the highway and huge trucks sound like armies. I still have hang-over; last night was nearly boring. Was it for the crowd? I don’t know really. For supposedly a kinky Friday, I went home alone which I wouldn’t mind thinking right now though I suppose I had a pretty good time talking with my closest friend, who’ll move soon to Laguna for good, about some stuff for the future.
These days, I realize that ‘careless’ fishing and feeding are no good, whether they are for insecurities, compliments, or whatever a sad response to a friend’s heartfelt appeal. These are the sins I want to get off my chest, habits I have lived with that have much preset defenses. Yes, I’ve fished and fed much. I am like a horny cat, a real loudmouth, extending his claws without commenting on his bent of becoming something for the night.
The bottom line is: I want to change.
It’s nice to sit by the window and just think. Any person can do this in his own confine, sit and rest his arm on the window, and then he can spit to make a difference. No oral acoustics at all. The idea makes me lightheaded somehow as perhaps as any passerby looking at me can ascertain.
I need to do that often, more than what I can imagine right now. I’ll listen to myself telling stories all about myself- personas I have gone with conflicts for which I had found better resolves, and the preoccupation and the reality I’m in and whatnot, reconsider the things I never liked before.
I want to quit smoking and, instead of a couple of slugs on weekends, just have a pint of whiskey during solitary times- just as how my mother saturates loneliness whenever my father is away.
I want let loose. I want a time to sit alone, back to the wall, and just watch a detail on the floor. Perhaps this habit can eliminate judgment and just leave a neutral impression- like suddenly wanting to stand up because you just need to.
Also, I need to contemplate my dilemmas and decide which ones to ignore and which to be more patient with and see if they will cure themselves in due time. So much for tolerance and piling things up. I am going to finish editing my thesis before November ends, at least I’ll have a classic reason to celebrate an occasion like a twenty-first birthday.
This is also a sort of heart regeneration- like growing a new type of nerve endings which are less susceptible to signs of heartaches. Yes, I’ll quit moping around looking for some love, for someone else to make me happy, and accept the fact that the vast crowd of people like me is dreaming for a god to love and find it risky to invest with anyone merely human, which I unlikely happen to be.
To my beloved, I know I’ll never have you, so I’ll just shape this fact into hope and wait for the next person who can make me blush genuinely. As what a friend of mine said, “Settle with the ordinary, someone to give the hopeless artist a better love.”
There is indeed a lot more to the world than what I thought before and a lot more perfectly beautiful ways than what I was familiar with, and it was such a mistake to ignore these possibilities. Fortunately, I am happy with my job and somehow enjoying it. And so, I won’t let my former stupidity destroy everything I have now. I can’t imagine a tolerated domestic responsibility without money. My current status is: a brother. In spite of the long suffocating quest for sanity, I have found it through my sister. And it will sadden me if, in the future, I'll fail again in the same way.
I know I can straighten these out well soon as I’ve straightened out so many things of less importance; but for now, I let this feeling for change ferment, and probably start with what is settled for me.
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This is being written Saturday morning outside of Sto. Nino somewhere, in a nice little café but right on the highway and huge trucks sound like armies. I still have hang-over; last night was nearly boring. Was it for the crowd? I don’t know really. For supposedly a kinky Friday, I went home alone which I wouldn’t mind thinking right now though I suppose I had a pretty good time talking with my closest friend, who’ll move soon to Laguna for good, about some stuff for the future.
These days, I realize that ‘careless’ fishing and feeding are no good, whether they are for insecurities, compliments, or whatever a sad response to a friend’s heartfelt appeal. These are the sins I want to get off my chest, habits I have lived with that have much preset defenses. Yes, I’ve fished and fed much. I am like a horny cat, a real loudmouth, extending his claws without commenting on his bent of becoming something for the night.
The bottom line is: I want to change.
It’s nice to sit by the window and just think. Any person can do this in his own confine, sit and rest his arm on the window, and then he can spit to make a difference. No oral acoustics at all. The idea makes me lightheaded somehow as perhaps as any passerby looking at me can ascertain.
I need to do that often, more than what I can imagine right now. I’ll listen to myself telling stories all about myself- personas I have gone with conflicts for which I had found better resolves, and the preoccupation and the reality I’m in and whatnot, reconsider the things I never liked before.
I want to quit smoking and, instead of a couple of slugs on weekends, just have a pint of whiskey during solitary times- just as how my mother saturates loneliness whenever my father is away.
I want let loose. I want a time to sit alone, back to the wall, and just watch a detail on the floor. Perhaps this habit can eliminate judgment and just leave a neutral impression- like suddenly wanting to stand up because you just need to.
Also, I need to contemplate my dilemmas and decide which ones to ignore and which to be more patient with and see if they will cure themselves in due time. So much for tolerance and piling things up. I am going to finish editing my thesis before November ends, at least I’ll have a classic reason to celebrate an occasion like a twenty-first birthday.
This is also a sort of heart regeneration- like growing a new type of nerve endings which are less susceptible to signs of heartaches. Yes, I’ll quit moping around looking for some love, for someone else to make me happy, and accept the fact that the vast crowd of people like me is dreaming for a god to love and find it risky to invest with anyone merely human, which I unlikely happen to be.
To my beloved, I know I’ll never have you, so I’ll just shape this fact into hope and wait for the next person who can make me blush genuinely. As what a friend of mine said, “Settle with the ordinary, someone to give the hopeless artist a better love.”
There is indeed a lot more to the world than what I thought before and a lot more perfectly beautiful ways than what I was familiar with, and it was such a mistake to ignore these possibilities. Fortunately, I am happy with my job and somehow enjoying it. And so, I won’t let my former stupidity destroy everything I have now. I can’t imagine a tolerated domestic responsibility without money. My current status is: a brother. In spite of the long suffocating quest for sanity, I have found it through my sister. And it will sadden me if, in the future, I'll fail again in the same way.
I know I can straighten these out well soon as I’ve straightened out so many things of less importance; but for now, I let this feeling for change ferment, and probably start with what is settled for me.
